Why People Pleasing Feels Safer Than Doing Want You Want

If you’re a people pleaser, you have probably noticed yourself stuck in the pattern of saying yes when you really want to say no. Even when it exhausts you and pushes you further into burnout.

You are not alone. Many people who are successful and high functioning people please. They can name it and notice the pattern. And yet, in the moment, saying what they really want feels impossible and scary.

People Pleasing often leads to self-blame like:

Why can’t I just speak up?

Why do I keep doing this?

What is wrong with me?

And the truth is, it eats away at their self-esteem and creates a lot of internal anxiety and self-doubt while outwardly pretending everything is okay and that they have it all taken care of.

People pleasing isn’t a weakness, it’s the body’s way of avoiding threat and uncertainty. It’s the body saying it feels safer to go with the flow rather than trusting another person’s response to a boundary.

People Pleasing Evolves Over Time

For many, people pleasing evolves from environments and relationships where:

-Gaining others’ approval meant avoiding disappointment or criticism

-Conflict with others felt really dangerous or threatening

-Being easy and “good” helped keep the environment more peaceful

-They didn’t have enough experiences where doing what they needed for themselves was valued above the group’s needs

The Hidden Cost of Always Choosing Safety

The body adapted over time and learns, “If I manage other’s reactions I stay safe and people will like me. Just like fight or flight, people pleasing (also known as fawning) is a survival response and an automatic reaction to a perceived threat in the environment. For people pleasers, the body has physical and emotional reactions to signs of threat to help it stay safe.

This often feels like:

Guilt

Fear

Racing self-critical thoughts

Anxiety and overwhelm

These feelings cause the body, in the moment, to people please and continue the habit. You might want to say no or yell or even find yourself daydreaming about what you would actually like to say in the situation.

People pleasing often works and helps people become super successful, but incredibly burnt out. They often feel like an imposter because their internal sense of self does not match or feel congruent with what people see on the outside.

It can lead to:

Chronic exhaustion

Built up resentment and unfulfilling resentment

Difficulty knowing who you are and what you want

Relationships that feel really one sided and not mutually beneficial

A sense of not being understood or seen by others

Hyper-independence

Specialized Treatment for People Pleasing Can Help

Choosing to just stop people pleasing isn’t enough to help stop the pattern alone. Because this response ignores the body’s threat signals and triggers more people pleasing. In order to stop the cycle, it’s important to work with an experienced therapist who can help you build internal safety, regulate your nervous system, and develop the capacity and framework to work through guilt and fear and tolerate discomfort so you can rewire your nervous system to feel safer being more authentically yourself. Over time, and with the right techniques. in place your body can learn to build comfort with being more assertive and being yourself.

If this sounds like you and you are wanting support to navigate people pleasing and learn how to live more authentically I would love to support you in that process.

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